A Few Simple Questions for Getting Closer to Your Mother

As we approach Mother’s Day this year, with my own mom gone several years, I am awed by her remarkable courage and compassion for the children she’d leave behind. She accepted her impending death with one driving motivation: that she would put her relationships in order before
the time came.

Thus, I had no “I wish I knew . . . asked . . . or said” thoughts when she died. Since then, grief has given way to a kind of celebratory sadness. I miss her, my closest friend. Yet I smile when she comes to mind, and I celebrate her wisdom and strength and tenacity. I have no unanswered questions for her. What an invaluable gift for a parent to give a child!

Many of you have asked for copies of this column that ran on Mother’s Day 1997.

Here it is:

It’s Mothers Day . I remember so many of them, all of which I took for
granted. Not this year. My mom won’t recover from the disease that’s
overwhelming her body. As I write this, I pray she’ll be around to read
it.

Just like any daughter, my relationship with Mom has been stormy at
times. Blessedly, the last few years were loving and open, candid and
peaceful for us. Must be that I’m getting older, a lot older.

I’ve been very sad a lot lately because I don’t want to lose her. Yet
I’m so grateful that, over the last few years, I’ve been able to ask her
some pretty simple questions about herself and me.

Her answers gave me peace and perspective, so I share the questions with
you. Someday, you might want to ask your moms the same kinds of things:

What did you feel when I was born? Were you scared? Did Dad have it
together or did he come undone? What kind of a kid was I? Was I fun?
When did I challenge you the most? When did I make you the most proud?

I always knew you loved me. But do you like me? What gifts and strengths
do you see in me that are different from my sisters? What are the
special gifts you see in them? What were the times you were happiest
being our mom?

How did you look so calm when I went away to college? How did you manage
to stay calm when I took off for a summer job in Italy after freshman
year? What did you feel on my wedding day? What did you feel when I
moved to Egypt?

What was your greatest triumph? What was your biggest disappointment?
Did your life turn out the way you wanted it? How did you feel when your
mom died?

And, most of all, despite all the stupid, headstrong things I did, did I love you good enough?

A Word to the Wise:

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.